barkis

It finally registered in my mind that, since I am secretly falling in love with everyone I meet, maybe it is time to really get active about dating.

I'm lonely.

There, I said it.

I haven't had any relationships to speak of in many years. Over ten years since my last long term one and I have been on only a handful of first dates since moving to NYC three years ago, with not so much as a kiss to show for it.

This leads me to the obvious questions of "what am I doing wrong?" "am I un-date-able?" "Am I unattractive or in some other way physically repulsive?"

I get that i have been emotionally unavailable and I don't really frequent "gay" places, so I take a lot of responsibility for the lack of suitors in my world, but then, I am never approached or cruised or told by friends that "so-and-so thinks you're cute" like I used to be. Is this what it's like to be older?

Part of my distance from dating is probably because when I think of going out there and dating, these questions start to rear their heads and rather than deal with how insecure I am, I just revert back to "well, I don't wanna date anyway/I like being single" etc.

I decided to start writing to more people who show up for matches for me on okay cupid. I wrote to this one guy who seemed very nice, though not so attractive and with not the best seeming personality. I felt like maybe I should stop being so fussy and give more people a chance.

He wrote back to tell me he wasn't interested.

I really hate this.

I spent the day with steven yesterday and had a brilliant day. We visited the Walkway Over The Hudson, saw a old man fall down and piss himself, and had some delicious indian food and conversation, of course.

This all makes me miss the glory days of livejournal and makes me wonder if twitter and facebook status updates have only served to exacerbate my ADD, because I am already tired of writing this entry. I often think of spending some more time writing here, but never really seem to have the energy or sticktoitiveness, you know?

I am going to make some vegan almond cookies now.

"When deep injury is done to us we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." -Mary Karen Read, from her final journal entry prior to being killed in the Virginia Tech shooting

"this too shall pass"

day 6 of 90 in 90 (this feels so confusing, today is day seven, but I am giving thanks for yesterday being a success)

finding a new AA clubhouse near me (thanks, Ben!)

all the hand painted wooden whales on the wall representing sobriety of past and present members

Hearing at least three different accents at this meeting.... I'm guessing Irish, German, Southern American and Brooklyn, yo.

fond thoughts of Jim and Carolyn.

The notion of bringing my higher power into my financial life and the hope/belief that this will really change. It's time. I mean, really time.

Sufjan Stevens' orchestral piece and accompanying film about an expressway, The BQE

Creative, inspiring people

looks like another beautiful day today

helping a frustrating piano student to verbally communicate his difficulty with writing letters backwards instead of his usual technique of screaming at me and crying. I am finally learning how and when to be firm and unwavering.

being blessed with a tremendous amount of patience with children

it's really cool to think that all these kids can play the piano and read music thanks to me

payday tomorrow and my bank account never hit zero. Even the smallest amount of progress is still progress....right?

letting go of an ammends I made that was ignored by the recipient.

Colleen Patrick Goudreau and her grace and gentleness around veganism. Holiday meal Survival Tips For Vegans.

this moving (albeit a bit cheesy) video about forgiveness:

Appreciating my two block commute to work on the rare morning that I want to sleep in

day four of 90 in 90 (was yesterday and a success)

talking about willingness and remembering that it was Tiffany who first explained the concept to me :-)

Times Square on a Monday night - calm and sparkly

store clerks who defy the notion that people in NYC are rude. I bought some piano lesson books yesterday that i had to special order and the guy who handled the ordering over the phone and in person was BEYOND accommodating. being in the middle of midtown Manhattan, he probably deals with hundreds of people a day. He took his time and was perfectly polite and thorough with me--all for a twenty dollar sale. YAY SAM ASH MUSIC!

I get so much more sun in my apt when the leaves come off the trees

autumn

the way that making this list makes the good things in my life multiply

Coffee

man.

i really wanna fall in love with someone and stop falling in love with ideas of someone.

whatever the fuck that means.

The families in my Saturday morning class are SO into the class. They are always bringing extended family because they have so much fun.

My dentist is so cool: small office, personal attention, gentle, communicative, friendly....the list goes on. Best dentist ever. My appointment (two fillings) went really well yesterday. Next up: wisdom teeth coming out on wednesday.

Having a plan of attack for getting my smile back. I have been so afraid of this one and avoiding it for years. I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so happy to be getting on top of this after feeling shame/fear/etc about it for so long.

Clarity re: how much I dislike musical directing and the opportunity to cultivate compassion and patience with myself and the cast of the round-up show.

Having today off.

Grocery delivery. This one deserves a mention every day!

Grapes.

Trying again to make this vegan coconut lemon cake, I think it's going to be brilliant today.

Happy Sunday!

mystery recipe sent to me in the mail for more hippy vegan food, who sent this?

clarity re: money and holiday travel

arriving to work in a funk and being swarmed with children folk screeching my name

riding my bike to my appointments on a crisp morning yesterday and especially the downhill portion back home through Prospect Park

running this morning in Prospect Park with Karen

Sufjan Stevens show tonight at the Music Hall of Williamsburg! (if you are curious about his music, you can download free songs from his website: http://asthmatickitty.com/sufjan-stevens )

My love affair with Brooklyn

The closeness (in proximity and heart) of my sister and brother (in law)

Finally, if you believe in this sort of thing, please send a prayer or a good thought to my friend David.

Yesterday, I was in a crowded elevator with friends and it made a strange sound. I jokingly said "excuse me" as if I had farted, but everyone thought I really did. They were laughing too hard for me to explain that I didn't really. It was embarrassing but it's funny now.

gratitude:

The ability to laugh at myself

When I was a kid my family called farts "bottom burps." I just learned recently that this isn't a widely used term.

For the opportunity to be of service

Wiped out after the weekend = productive

New music from Gavin Castleton

Catherine's butternut squash soup

My Chimera Music t-shirt

I found my fancy, too expensive to replace headphones that I thought were lost

Listening to music on the subway

When I have iTunes on random and a song comes up that I have never heard before and love. On this occasion, "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.

this cover is soooooo superior to the Beyonce version if you axe me. I love this. Download the MP3 from their myspace and put a ring on it.



Last nights glee plugged this squarely in my ear, and I am happy I don't have that dreadful original version stuck there. I really hate it as much as I love this one!

I saw Division Day play last night at Union Hall. They were so fucking good. Pardon me for being all fanboy about this but Rohner gave me a big hug when he saw me and he is SOOOOO DREAMY!!!!1!! But also super cool and a big David Sylvian fan so, also cool. They put on a great show, many of the songs translated better to live than they do to recording, which is saying alot because I love the new album. here's the iTunes link.

and a lovely, bloody video clip:


I have still been working on this piece, pretty much done with the first chapter and set to begin composing the prelude that will begin it. I made a massive playlist of songs that I connect with different crushes/boyfriends/infatuations in my life and listen to it all the time to get me in that spirit of whatever that is. it's strangely not depressing, but more clinical the way I am thinking of this stuff. It's such a hybrid of one-man-show-theater-piece-neo-classical-piano-avant-electronica in my mind....

Really I am just thrilled that I am inspired and actually writing after all this time. I am giving myself a year to finish writing, at least to a state where I can start thinking about funding to actually perform the thing. That feels sort of arrogant (?) to assume that someone would want to fund this performance, but I decided to act as if and just write it under the assumption that it will be performed and loved.... with the understanding that even if it isn't, this process is already turning out to be life changing as all get out.

Did I just say "all get out?"

i am making a playlist that is all songs that remind me of some old boyfriend to sort of keep things on the surface about these things I am writing about

I continue to be obsessing about writing this piece. Just a fucking welcome obsession after years of not creating much of anything. The whole point of the thing, though, is breaking out of this emotional layer of crust I have buried myself in since breaking up with R back in 1997. That's a long fucking time to be holding on to something I'm not holding on to with any fervor. You know? It's like I have been holding onto it just hard enough to avoid picking up something new, but not hard enough to do anything about it. So no real dating, no writing, only playing other people's music. Enough to be alive without any sort of vigor. that's enough.

Anyway. The impetus for writing this thing is letting myself go and making my life into what i have always wanted it to be. Most of what I have been doing with the piece has been writing notes, and free writing things. Beyond the structure of the thing: two acts with six chapters, each starting with a piano/electronics prelude and the use of video, music, speech and movement I have no idea what this thing is going to turn into, if I will ever get to (or want to) perform it. I was originally going to start each act by singing and piano-ing atorch songs, but with the addition of the preludes at the beginning of each chapter, that may not work. tho the idea has crossed my mind of having the preludes at the beginning of the acts somehow deconstruct themselves into the songs I want to use.

In terms of dating. Oy. I have still bee seeing Michael, it's been a month or so now. No kissing, no humping. I really don't mind and am pretty much convinced that h is okay with whatever we got going on too, but he may be a little more interested in me than I am in him. I like hanging out with him tho, so okay then.

My friend Tim has bought me a mixer as mine died a couple months ago and I have been to broke to repair it. So I shall be back to the podcasting with regularity soon and also be able to start recording demos for this piece when I start writing stuff.

Also in my mind is the idea of creating some blog written from inside the piece somehow as it is growing. That might be an interesting way to get feedback.
Would you be interested in reading more about the piece as it develops?

there has been a performance pice sort of thing banging around in my mind for about 6 months now that I started putting on paper today. It will be piano/electronics/video/spoken word. I am saying this "out-loud" in hopes of keeping up momentum. I have such a terrible habit of starting things and then dropping them.

this morning I wrote a page of notes, just as a mind dump so I can see things on paper instead of fragments floundering around in my mind.

gen idea is breaking up with heartbreak and the way I/people create distractions in their lives in the form of drama/dispair or allowing things to get out of hand in one area in order to prevent my/themselves from having intimacy/etc.

I think partly I will involve some level of homophobia and how that affects us, but also how any "ism" affects all of us.

How did I forget how amazing these guys were? I saw Hercules and Love Affair this weekend who now have Mark Pistel in the band (founding member of Consolidated) which made me remember about Meat Beat Manifesto and seeing them play live. Fucking great show. They had these dancers with mini crutches, one of whom hit my friend Angy in the head while dancing feverishly on stage. Good times.



Does anyone have a clean copy of this tune to share?

home is not the place you dwell
home is where you see yourself

My friend Tiffany had her baby about five weeks ago. it was actually quite a deal involving an emergency c-section and subsequent visits for her back to the hospital due to complications. Everyone is okay now, which makes me more happy than anyone knows, but I am feeling my absence from Houston in a major way. I really should have been there for that, and for so much else. I am just feeling a big sense of "why am I here?'

The 'here' being NYC. Haven't I wanted to move here for years?

And I guess I do, and am somehow content that I am to stay here, though not content that I am here.... make sense? There is some work that needs doing and I have a sense that it is supposed to occur here, though my heart still seems tied to Houston.

The doing. There is always something I should be doing which often is in the same list of things I am not doing. I need to write. I have two projects that have been nagging at me for months, one for years. Still don't know why it's so hard to write for me. Am I just so used to this feeling of disappointment and what I could be if only...

Getting reconnected with AA is helping, in a way. I think there is lots of garbage floating around my psyche and doing the steps always seems to help that.

Two fairies fighting over a christmas bell.

agged you because I'm hoping you'll fill this out about yourself. I would love to find out more about you! Copy this, paste in a new note, replace my answers with yours and re-post this as your name followed by "ology".

( click )

Julie, a friend of mine from AA in Houston, moved up here last week and we wound up going to a meeting together on Friday night. Meetings here are different than they are in Texas, so it was nice to have someone with me to agree that they are DOING IT WRONG! Seriously, who the hell takes a break in an AA meeting??

Still, it was so nice to be in a meeting again, even though it feels so funny. We ate dinner together after the meeting and talked a bit about Houston vs. NYC, and I have to confess that as the OMG NEW YORK CITY magic wears off I am finding myself wondering what the fuck I am doing here. I still dig the city and all that, but... I dunno... I have so much history in Texas, you know. And I'm old.

But that's not what I was going to write about. Another friend of mine up here, Chris, has recently started to get sober - 48 days ago. So I went with him to a LGBT meeting in midtown and it was really, really great. The guy who led the meeting talked about the 11th step.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

It sort of hit me as he spoke that I am always so much happier when I am actively pursuing (maintaining?) a connection with God (Goddess/ Flying Spaghetti Monster etc) and things go so much better. Oh yeah, that's what is missing when I don't keep up with meetings. The leader was talking about how he got pissed at this woman on the train for kinda fucking up his mojo and then remembered that he didn't have to be pissed off at anyone if he didn't want to be. "Holy Crap," I thought, "I am still replaying an incident in my mind from months ago with this woman on the train I am pissed off at." My God, I have really been pissed off at lots of stuff for the past couple of years.

So, all this is to say, I am really happy to have been led back to AA. I have plans with both Chris and Julie to attend meetings with them each week. I'm going to start keeping my eye out for a sponsor too. YAY! I look forward to chilling out a bit and reconnecting with some new people in that magic way people connect in AA.

We're all Michael Vick

By GARY L. FRANCIONE
MICHAEL VICK has, according to his lawyer, agreed to plead guilty to federal dogfighting charges against him.

Over past weeks, there's been an enormous amount of coverage of the dog-fighting operation sponsored by Atlanta Falcons quarterback Vick, who, along with three other men, has been indicted on federal felony charges.

The details of the charges claim that Vick sponsored illegal dog fighting, gambled on dog fights and permitted acts of cruelty against animals on his property. The talk shows have been filled with talking heads from the "humane community" condemning dog fighting and calling for Vick to be punished. Nike and Reebok have suspended products endorsed by Vick.

Please let me be very clear from the outset: I think that dog fighting is a terrible thing.

But I must say that the Vick case rather dramatically demonstrates what I call our "moral schizophrenia" about animals.

That is, if one thing is clear, it is that we do not think clearly about our moral obligations to animals.

In this country alone, we kill more than 10 billion land animals annually for food. The animals we eat suffer as much as the dogs that are used in dog fighting.

There is no "need" for us to eat meat, dairy or eggs. Indeed, these foods are increasingly linked to various human diseases and animal agriculture is an environmental disaster for the planet. We impose pain, suffering and death on these billions of sentient nonhumans because we enjoy eating their flesh and the products that we make from them.

There is something bizarre about condemning Michael Vick for using dogs in a hideous form of entertainment when 99 percent of us also use animals that are every bit as sentient as dogs in another hideous form of entertainment that is no more justifiable than fighting dogs: eating animals and animal products.

There is something bizarre about Reebok and Nike, which use leather in their shoes, suspending products endorsed by Vick. They're not going to allow a guy who allegedly tortures dogs to endorse products that contain tortured cows.

In one of my books about animal ethics, I introduced a character named Simon the Sadist, who derived pleasure from blowtorching dogs. We would all regard such conduct as monstrous because we all agree that it is wrong to inflict "unnecessary" suffering on animals - and pleasure, amusement and convenience cannot count as satisfying the "necessity" requirement.

But then I asked the further question: How are those of us who eat animal flesh and animal products any different from Simon? He enjoys blowtorching dogs - we enjoy the taste of flesh and animal products. But we and Simon both kill sentient beings (although we may pay others to do the dirty work) because we derive enjoyment from it.

According to reports, authorities removed from Vick's property a "rape stand" used to hold dogs for mating. "Rape racks" are used to hold cows for impregnation. When a dog is involved, we are troubled - when a cow is involved, we ignore it.

Michael Vick may enjoy watching dogs fight. Someone else may find that repulsive but see nothing wrong with eating an animal who has had a life as full of pain and suffering as the lives of the fighting dogs. It's strange that we regard the latter as morally different from, and superior to, the former. How removed from the screaming crowd around the dog pit is the laughing group around the summer steak barbecue?

We are all Simon.

We are all Michael Vick. *

Gary L. Francione is Distinguished Professor of Law and Nicholas deB. Katzenbach Scholar of Law and Philosophy at Rutgers University School of Law-Newark. His latest book on animal ethics, "Animals as Persons," will be published by Columbia University Press this fall.